Love, Relationships and Boundaries

Love is a basic need. You may be looking for romantic love, or perhaps to have a more loving relationship with your partner or family. Maybe you are looking to love yourself more completely and fully.

The search for love can be exciting, challenging, frustrating, invigorating, confusing, depressing, enlightening, enriching. We can get stuck in feeling unworthy; ineffective communication patterns; unrealistic expectations; or poor boundaries.

Boundaries define who we are, and our edges: where we stop and others begin. They separate us from others. Boundaries are protective. They set limits on what is safe, what is appropriate, what’s acceptable, and what’s not. Boundaries are both external and internal. They can be physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and relational/interactional. Some boundary-related issues include: Privacy & personal space; sensitivity; respect; obligations; rights.

Healthy boundaries are flexible & permeable, allowing choice about what comes in and what goes out.

Dysfunctional systems either have no boundaries, or boundaries that are so rigid and absolute, that they act as barriers. Barriers work to maintain distance, but do not allow us to experience the closeness of complete intimacy. The other extreme, a lack of boundaries, leaves us vulnerable, open to intrusion and/or violation, and leads to a disregard of ourselves and others. When boundaries are weak, we may absorb others’ feelings, and feel responsible for them. In dysfunctional systems, the rules about boundaries change rapidly and arbitrarily, often fluctuating between the two extremes.

Ways to maintain and communicate boundaries:

Develop self-awareness: How do I feel right now (emotions and body)? What do I need? What do I want? What do I want to do about it?

Practice self-respect through self-care – respond to your own needs, notice and honor your feelings.

Be honest and realistic with yourself and others.

Take responsibility for yourself; stop taking responsibility for others.

Communicate openly, clearly and assertively.

Say no when you need to.

Set limits on time commitments.

Shift space – is more distance needed, or perhaps greater closeness?

Compromise/collaborate to resolve differences.

Respect the limits and rights of other people.

Setting a boundary is not rejecting the other person or that person’s needs. It is a clarification of what you will and won’t, can and cannot do, for yourself and for another. Setting boundaries does not mean that you don’t care. It means that you need to take care of you first. Otherwise you will become depleted and have nothing left to give. Melody Beattie writes: “We’ll probably feel ashamed and afraid when we set boundaries. Do it anyway!”

Art therapy can support the creation and maintenance of healthy boundaries.

Creating a Shield of Protection can be useful when boundaries are an issue. The shield is large and strong enough to hold in front of your body, and is decorated with images that represent protection and strength. These could be drawings or collage materials, and can be abstract or representational. Protective images might include physical supports to personal safety; supportive people; guiding spirits; totem animals; or simply colors and shapes that feel right.

There are many other examples of art activities related to healthy boundaries. A safe place, envisioned in guided visualization, might be made tangible using sculpting materials. Drawings on a body outline might be used to increase awareness of physical sensations and to identify areas of tension, which are then released through a process combining drawing and deep breathing. A couple might participate in an interactive art process, designed to help increase awareness of and communication about boundaries in relationship.

Art activities are always suggested, not required, and are adapted to each individual’s needs and abilities.